it is 1:56am and i was going to write something profound here but instead i burst into tears looking at a picture of laura palmer. i hold on to something until i do not know what that something is. and i’m scared again. i pray so much that my knees hurt. i used to talk to god like there was someone listening. like a tin can with twine and no one at the other end. my youth is the foundation of me. “there is a special kind of sadness that seems to come with spring.” how brittle it is to be alive. how rare to love. rarer to be loved. felt sick that day in august and haven’t felt okay since. colors haven’t been as bright. i exist. i exist. i exist. do you still hum a song under your breath when you’re nervous? is it the same song as it used to be? have you let me go yet? to welcome pain in the avoidance of indifference is to be vulnerable. these words seem to do more harm than good. there are ghosts between my teeth. there is nothing like home, even if the air is cold. i don’t want to explain what all of this rambling means. i think that i just need to smoke another cigarette.