senior year hasn’t even started yet and i’m already researching places to move to. which, i mean, makes sense for me. i think when i’m in a room full of people, my immediate thought is how to get out of that room. i’m always thinking about where i could go next, as if there’s somewhere i’m supposed to be that i just haven’t found yet. every morning i wake up and hope i’m somebody else, and every night i go to sleep wondering if tomorrow will feel any different. i think i’ve spent so long trying to leave that i don’t know what it’s like to stay. maybe that’s why i’m always looking for another school, another town, another version of my life to move into. i keep thinking that if i can just get somewhere else, i’ll finally feel like myself. but i just know that even before i arrive somewhere, some part of me is already saying goodbye. i have a friend tell me that it feels like i’m always coming back, but never arriving. all my life, i have felt something deep within my bones; a conviction, heavy and sunk, an unexplainable fear of all the things i will lose or never become. now i wish i was just a dog, laying it’s head in your open lap, to feel your hand caress my temple, the coolness of your touch, to love so freely and recklessly, without any sense of fear that could be betrayed by desire.